Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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