I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
