and i looked up. we had an audience...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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