but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
