if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
