Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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