and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
