At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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