im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
