SEEEEXXX PLEASE
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
