i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
porn star boner night. come get it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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