It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
