Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
