Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
