I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
