Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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