I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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