Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
it's like iHOP with fire
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
