There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
