I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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