she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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