I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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