Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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