I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize