Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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