ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
