you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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