Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
