Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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