Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
