Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
