His pubic hair was longer than his dick
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
