but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
