I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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