just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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