At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize