Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
