God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize