If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
