My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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