Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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