just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
