Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
