the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
