I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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