i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I deserve this hangover.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
