ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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