were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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