if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize