even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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