I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
