just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
