I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
