I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
