Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my being single is dangerous.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
