Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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