My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Sacagawea was the original milf.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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