I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
