Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
