we're blogging at a bar
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Is it penis luge time yet?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
