Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
