Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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